I used to give feedback for everything. That engineer who preferred written communication? Feedback. The developer who worked strange hours but always delivered? Feedback.
Until one of them asked me: “Sorry, but how is this affecting my work or the team?”
I had nothing. I was just personally uncomfortable with their style because it was different from mine.
That’s when I realized something that changed how I manage: no impact, no feedback. If someone’s behavior isn’t actually affecting outcomes, I need to keep my mouth shut.
Here’s what happens in most organizations: we hire talented people with different backgrounds and working styles. Then we spend enormous energy trying to sand down their edges until everyone acts the same way. We call it “culture fit” or “professional development,” but often it’s just personality policing.
The solution is simpler than you think: stop giving feedback unless you can prove it matters. Before giving feedback, ask yourself:
- Is there a measurable impact on work outcomes? Are deadlines being missed? Is quality suffering?
- Is it affecting team collaboration? Are others unable to work effectively with this person? Are team goals being compromised?
- Is it creating a hostile environment? Is someone being disrespectful? Is psychological safety being damaged?
If you can’t point to a specific, concrete impact, then what you have isn’t feedback — it’s a preference. And preferences aren’t performance issues.
Also… when we give feedback about every little thing that bothers us, we create feedback fatigue. It’s like the boy who cried wolf — when everything is “an opportunity for growth,” nothing is. People stop listening. Worse, they start second-guessing every natural instinct, every authentic behavior. We reduce psychological safety as team members start hiding their authentic selves. We lose the variety of perspectives by accidentally optimizing for homogeneity. And we damage trust — people feel micromanaged and criticized for just being themselves.
This doesn’t mean becoming a manager who never gives feedback. When behavior genuinely impacts outcomes (e.g., missed deadlines, poor quality, team dysfunction) that feedback is crucial. The difference is you can point to specific consequences, not just discomfort.
Sometimes a behavior genuinely bothers you but has no measurable impact. Their communication style feels abrupt. Their work schedule makes you anxious. Their approach to problem-solving is completely different from yours.
This is where you need to manage yourself, not them. Our discomfort with difference often masquerades as concern for the team. But teams don’t need everyone to act the same way — they need everyone to contribute effectively toward shared goals.
The point of feedback isn’t to create an army of clones who all work, think, and communicate identically. It’s to help people be more effective in their roles and help teams achieve their objectives.
Next time you’re tempted to give feedback, pause. Look for the impact. If you can’t find it, save your breath (and their time).
Because sometimes the behavior that needs changing isn’t theirs. It’s yours.
Terrible Software 