“It is cold and lonely at the top of a mountain” — Chinese proverb
Working as a full-stack engineer for over a decade, I don’t remember feeling lonely once. I’d go out for lunch (and happy hours) with my peers, had pair programming sessions with them, they always reviewed my code via Pull Requests, we always went to the same meetings, etc. In summary: at work, I got used to always being part of a team, as an equal.
All of this was gone after switching to management, and how unexpected that was to me! Your former peers (now your reports) will treat you differently — even if subconsciously. There are no pair sessions or code reviews anymore. And you’re going by yourself to a bunch of random meetings without your team.
You’re part of a team, but you’re also not.
If you decided to read this, it’s probably because you are feeling (or have felt in the past) something similar. This is exactly why I decided to write this piece, to 1) tell you that feeling lonely is very common among managers/leaders, and 2) to help deal with it.
The Shift
As an IC, you have one boss, and they’re either happy with you or not. Things are much more straightforward. There’s just one person that’s keeping you from your next promotion, and — if you’re lucky to have a good manager — they’re telling you exactly what you need to do to get there.
The moment you switch to management, you’ll discover that things will get more fuzzy. Not only are there way more people you need to make happy (your boss, 5–8 reports, the PM, etc.), but reaching the next level — or maybe just surviving at the current one — is way more abstract and less clear.
Not only this, but you’ll quickly discover that what you say matters in a way you probably never experienced before. A simple Slack message, or something that, to you, seems harmless, can ruin someone’s week. Sometimes, it’s even more subtle than this; just your body language or how engaged you are during a 1:1 (“Is my manager even paying attention?”) can be really hurtful to your reports.
Your job is to help your team members maximize their potential and perform at their best, which often means putting on a brave face and constantly modeling effective work behavior.
Last but not least, you are responsible for your team’s results. Everyone’s doing the work together, but if things go south, your ass is on the line here.
“Ok, but what does that have to do with managers being lonely?”
Great question; I’m getting there. What I’m trying to say here, for now, is: it is a big burden, and it’s all on your shoulders.
But at least you have someone to vent about this, right?
Well… no.
- Your reports expect you to have all the answers and lead; they really don’t want to see you talking about your problems — they already have theirs.
- Your peers (the other managers at the company) are not on your team and don’t have full context. And, at some companies, they might even use your venting against you (a political weapon to get a promotion).
- If you’re lucky (like I am), you can open up to your manager. But at most companies, you’re really not incentivized to show any signs of weakness to your boss.
In summary, it’s a big responsibility, and you have no one to open up about it. I told you, it’s lonely.
Ok, but what can we do about it? This is personal, of course, given that we’re all different. But I think 3 things can help most managers.
Mentorship
Finding a mentor can be incredibly valuable — especially for new managers who are probably experiencing all this for the first time. Check with your HR department (or your manager) if there is a mentoring program in the company and ask to be a part of it. If there is no program — start a conversation and find someone who you can trust and look up to and who can become an “unofficial” mentor to you.
An alternative to this is to have “content mentors”. These are people you look up to because of the content they generate online, or maybe they are book authors, podcasters/YouTubers, etc. — mine are Charity Majors and Will Larson, by the way.
Non-work activities
This is probably the most important one, and it applies to most people: get your mind off your work. Try to practice sports and/or other non-screen activities. I’ve been back at tennis and drawing, for example. Two activities that I loved as a kid but had been completely forgotten due to day-to-day grinding. For others this could also be meditation, journaling, volunteering, going to church, hitting the gym, and so many others.
These also provide opportunities to connect with people outside your professional sphere, which can be refreshing and broaden your perspective. More importantly, these activities can remind you that your identity extends beyond your role as a manager, contributing to a more balanced sense of self. Engaging in activities outside of work can provide a much-needed break from the pressures of management.
Networks
Joining a network of fellow managers, both within and outside your organization, can be a game-changer. This network can serve as a peer support group (therapy?) where you can share experiences, challenges, and solutions in a safe and understanding environment.
I’ve been back at Twitter/X, for example (which I’m already regretting 🥲). I started to follow many managers/leaders in tech, and they’re constantly talking about the same issues that I’ve been experiencing. Which makes loneliness, well… less lonely. If you don’t like Twitter/X there are many alternatives like Reddit, Slack channels, newsletters, and good old blogs can also help.
Yes, being a manager can be lonely, but now 1) you understand why/how it happens, and 2) you have the tools to fight it!
Now, I’d love to hear your experience as well. Share your stories and insights below or contact me directly.
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